did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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