She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
