My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
