I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
