I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
