I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
