I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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