Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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