I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
