hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
