I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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