Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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