So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
True college students do jello shots in the library
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