Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
