nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
