Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
