He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
