It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
