How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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