You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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