Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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