So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
