Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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