what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
