Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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