Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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