That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
