Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
