Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
did i walk over a car last night?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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