hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
