so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
