I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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