Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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