i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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