Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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