I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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