I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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