I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
