I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
