OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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