I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
