How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize