I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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