can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
