Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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