I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just pee around me
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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