Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
