So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize