Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
