Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
