I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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