she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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