My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
