I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
