Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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