dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize