In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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