Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
