Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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