mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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