Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
