I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize