Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
