I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
