you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
